Gentleness, Self-Control, and Patience... or Not.

“Leah, you have the patience of a newborn baby.”

Let’s just say I remember the car ride that accompanied my mother's declaration to this day. And so does she.

Historically, I have struggled with patience. I’m not going to say I am an impatient person because I’m not willing to speak that over myself as truth or label myself. I am someone who has historically struggled with patience, and I am able to become someone who doesn’t in Jesus’ Name. But this morning, after 53 years of struggle, I read something that made me go, ‘Ah-ha!’

Is it odd, or is it God? The subject of my bible study this last week has been Self-Control (one of the fruits of the spirit.) Whenever I take one of those tests that tell you who you’ve become, it generally mentions my lack of self-control. ‘As someone who lacks self-control...’ and I’m always like, “This test is crap. How is it getting that from the questions I answered?” Why have I believed this as opposed to coming out of denial? Because I am highly motivated. I accomplish my goals, I keep a clean house, I’m organized, typically manage my time well, and I hate procrastination. So, how can I possibly lack self-control? Hmmm.  Let’s ask the guy I flipped off driving down the road because he was pissed I wasn’t driving fast enough. We’ll stop with that example. It’s enough.

I never put impatience together with a lack of self-control. (Did anyone else just have a light-bulb moment, or is it just me?) But last night, as I prayed (about flipping the guy off and hating the instant ugliness that comes out of me no matter how far I’ve come or how mature I think I may be), I wondered about the origin of this behavior. I thought of my brothers and the constant ‘teasing’ I endured. I raged at them regularly. “If you ignore them, they’ll stop,” my mother would say. But ignoring it wasn’t an option. It wasn’t something I could EVER master. How do you ignore anyone treating you badly or suffering injustice? Inconceivable! My father wasn’t a defender. So, I knew from a very early age that I had to defend myself, and boy, did I learn to defend myself. I’ll defend myself at the drop of a hat. But... whereas boundaries are a beautiful thing, not ALL boundaries need to be defended. They exist, and that’s enough.

So, how, then? How do I relax and settle into gentleness, ease, and self-control? My husband is a pro at it. When I ask him how he does it, he says, “It’s just not worth it.” His sanity, his peace. I want that. But I haven’t made the shift to not caring. I care! It’s wrong! It needs to be addressed! Does it?

No one ever taught me that by ‘ignoring it’ or deeming ‘it isn’t worth it,’ I could still feel resolved. Defended. But seriously... how? 

This morning, I read Psychologist Walter Mischel's conclusion in one of his studies that the crucial skill was a “strategic allocation of attention.” That may sound simple to you, but it was profound for me. It’s an intentional distraction or re-focus. Is someone ugly to me in traffic? I can turn and say, “My, what lovely mountains we have here.” Intentional distraction. Delayed gratification. Instead of instantly flipping him off, I can know that he’s the idiot and I’m not. That should be enough. Poor guy.

Here’s a quote from the study I read this morning, “We are not Jesus Christ and will never have His masterful self-control, but His Spirit within us will lovingly manage our impulses if we allow Him to control us.” I’d rather say, ‘to have the control.’ Jesus doesn’t control us, people. If He did, we’d be better. Period.

What area of my life would I like to have greater self-control? Patience/Anger.

I never related trusting God with patience, but today I do. That is, I’m going to try. Because if I trust Him, reeeeeeally trust Him to handle the jerk who gave me crap in traffic, or bring the right item needed when it’s time, or to be my protector and defender when someone attacks me, then I should be able to respond with gentleness and self-control. The math is there. The numbers add up. I need to exercise the equation.  Pray for me. And feel free to ask me how that’s going 😉 

Self-Control. If a dog can do it... so can you. Lrds.